What does it mean to lose yourself?
We sometimes talk about losing yourself as though it suddenly happens. This might be after a relationship ends, when the children leave home, following a change of career, or a particularly challenging period in life.
But it often happens much more gradually. We can become so involved in the different roles, relationships and responsibilities that fill our day to day lives that we slowly lose touch with the person underneath them.
Let us think about how our identity develops.
Identity is shaped by the lives we build
Our sense of who we are does not develop on its own. It is shaped by the people around us, the choices we make, the experiences we have and the roles we take on throughout our life.
Career: Our work can give us a sense of purpose, achievement and belonging. We might see ourselves as someone who is knowledgeable, trustworthy, ambitious or someone who can be relied upon to get things done. Over time, who we are professionally can become a big part of how we see ourselves, to the extent that we struggle to know who we are outside of work.
Relationships: Being a partner can become an important part of our identity. We may adapt to another person’s needs, expectations and interests and set some of ourselves aside without even realising.
Friendships: The people we form friendships with can influence how we see ourselves. We fulfil a role as the funny one, the organiser, the listener or the person everyone turns to. These roles give us connection and belonging, but they may leave little room for other parts of us to emerge.
Parenting: becoming a parent can bring a huge shift in our identity. Our children’s needs, wellbeing and routines become our priority. We may spend many years seeing ourselves as a mum or a dad in the first instance, with our own interests, friendships and ambitions moving out of sight.
Caring for others: Whether caring for ageing parents, a partner or someone with additional needs, being needed can become central to how to see ourselves. We may become so used to looking after someone else that recognising our own needs feels unfamiliar, uncomfortable or even selfish.
Everyday routines: There are many small things that contribute to our sense of identity. How we spend our weekends, the places we go and the habits we develop all create a sense of who we are. When routines change, we can feel surprisingly unsettled, as though something familiar about ourselves has disappeared.
These roles and relationships can be the most meaningful parts of our lives. Each of them gives connection, purpose, structure and a sense of belonging.
The difficulty comes when these roles define us so completely that we lose sight of the other parts of ourselves.
So, what does losing yourself actually look like?
It doesn’t mean we’ve become someone different. It can simply mean we have lost aspects of ourselves that once felt important.
Perhaps we no longer know what we enjoy. We might find it hard to make decisions without wondering what everyone else wants. We might struggle to identify our own preferences, needs or boundaries and feel guilty when we prioritise ourselves.
Sometimes it is unspecific and shows up as a feeling that something is missing.
We might start asking ourselves:
What do I actually want, rather than what is expected of me?
Who am I outside my role as a parent, partner, professional or carer?
Am I doing this because it matters to me, or because it’s what others need from me?
Do I still recognise the person I have become?
When we have actively chosen these roles, it can feel confusing. We might love our family and friends dearly; value our career and feel grateful for the lives we have built. Yet as the same time, we feel disconnected from ourselves.
Both things can be true.
Identity isn’t fixed
Identity is not something we work out once and then keep for the rest of our lives.
We constantly develop it as our experiences change, our priorities shift and as we realise things that were once important no longer fit us in the same way.
Sometimes this happens through choice, and sometimes life makes changes for us. A relationship ends, a loved one dies, children become independent, a career comes to and end, caring responsibilities begin or a familiar routine disappears.
When something that has been a part of defining who we are changes, we can be left wondering who we are without it.
We haven’t lost our identity altogether. It may be that the version of ourselves we have been accustomed to no longer feels quite right and the person we are becoming is still taking shape.
Any maybe this is where the opportunity sits. Rather than trying to return to who we used to be, we can discover which parts of ourselves we want to carry forward and which parts we want to leave behind.
Finding yourself again can begin with something as simple as becoming curious about what you think, feel, need and want, independently of the roles you fulfil in other people’s lives.
You can love being a parent, friend, profession or carer and still want to rediscover the person beyond these roles.