When life begins to feel unfamiliar
There are times in life when the path we are on changes. Sometimes we choose the change, sometimes it is chosen for us, and sometimes it happens so gradually that we only notice when life begins to feel unfamiliar. We can find ourselves somewhere between what was and what comes next, unsure of where we belong or what our life is supposed to look like now.
Not all transitions are obvious
Life transitions are not only the major events we tend to associate with change, such as divorce, bereavement or moving home. They can also be quieter and less visible: friendships changing, ageing, a shift in our working life, or a change in our role within a family. These changes may not look significant from the outside, but they can still alter how we see ourselves and our place in the world.
When the role you knew yourself through changes
Sometimes it is our relationships with the people we love that change. Once you were the child, but as your parents age you gradually become the one who cares for them. Your children leave home to study, work or start families of their own. Nothing has necessarily gone wrong, yet the role you once knew yourself through is changing.
There can be a sense of uncertainty as you ask yourself: Who am I now? What does my life look like in this new chapter?
When something positive can still feel difficult
And change doesn’t have to be unwanted to be difficult. We may have looked forward to a promotion, becoming a parent, our children becoming more independent, or to our retirement. Yet even positive changes can bring unexpected feelings of grief, uncertainty or loss.
We can celebrate what is beginning while simultaneously mourning what is ending, including parts of our identity that have felt familiar for years.
Sometimes, too, the life we deliberately choose does not turn out quite as we imagined. We may plan a new career, move to a different town, or return home after living overseas, believing we know what we want. But when we get there, something does not feel right.
The reality does not fit the picture we had in our minds, and we are left wondering: Is the problem the choice I made? The expectations I carried? Or have I changed somewhere along the way?
Grieving what you are leaving behind
When a change is something we have chosen or looked forward to, we may feel we have no right to struggle with it. We might berate ourselves or question our reactions: This is what I wanted, so why aren’t I happy?
But wanting something new does not mean we will not grieve what we are leaving behind. Transitions can involve the loss of things that were once significant, safe and familiar — a place, a community or a way of life.
We may miss the sense of purpose we once had, or a familiar routine whose comfort we did not fully appreciate until it was gone. We might grieve a relationship as it once was: fun, loving or secure. Or we may be grieving a future we had imagined for ourselves, and the realisation that it will no longer unfold in the way we hoped.
Finding your sense of self again
Familiar roles, circumstances and routines can give us a sense of stability and continuity. When these change, we can feel temporarily unanchored, as though the things that once helped us know who we were no longer quite fit.
The person you have been may become less recognisable, and this can be confusing: I know what I’m supposed to be doing, but I don’t know if it’s who I am anymore.
Trying to move forward while still making sense of what we have lost can make a transition feel particularly difficult. You may want to move on, yet find yourself unusually unsettled or overwhelmed. Perhaps your mood has changed, there is anxiety or a persistent worry you can’t quite shake, or you are more irritable and your mood is low. You might find it harder to make decisions, or notice that the ways you normally cope no longer seem to work.
Beneath all of this there may be a sense that something needs to change, without knowing exactly what. You can feel disconnected from yourself, uncertain about what comes next, and perhaps even less connected to the people around you.
Making space for what comes next
Sometimes we need space to acknowledge what we have lost before we can begin to understand where we want to go next. Our feelings may seem contradictory — we can feel relief and sadness, excitement and uncertainty, all at the same time. Slowing down and making sense of these feelings can help us understand what lies beneath them.
By exploring our experiences, patterns and expectations, we can begin to make sense of our reactions and what the transition is asking of us. Reconnecting with what matters to us can then create space to consider what we want the next chapter of our lives to look like.
You don’t need to know exactly where you are going before you can begin exploring what needs to change. Counselling does not give you the answers; it can offer you the space to discover what those answers might be for you. Rather than seeing a transition as an uncomfortable period to simply “get through”, it can become a time of exploration — an opportunity to understand yourself more deeply, reconnect with what matters to you and consider what you want the next chapter of your life to look like.